Non-Sequiturs: 06.26.15

* Oh, the Onion... what would I do without you? Their take on gay marriage is masterful, as always. [Onion] * Conservatives, troubled with the Supreme Court's decision in Obergefell v. Hodges, vow to move to Canada. There's only one teeny, tiny problem with their plan... about a decade in the making. [BuzzFeed] * Of all the arrogant, jiggery-pokery, pure applesauce, Putsch! Find out exactly how Justice Scalia would mock you in this fun insult generator. [Slate] * Some Alabama counties have come up with a crackerjack way to avoid marrying same sex couples. [Vox] * The only way to get to today's historical gay marriage case was to defeat the nomination of Judge Robert Bork, and Reagan aides always suspected this would happen. [Roll Call] * For marriage equality fans with a sweet tooth. [Ben & Jerry's] * Surely you jest! Justice Scalia? Intellectually inconsistent to fit a political agenda? Pshaw. [BloombergView] * A handy guide to today's landmark SCOTUS decision. [Legal IO] * News you can use: what is the legal status of cursing at cops? [The Marshall Project]